When You Try To Defend Tess Holliday on Social Media

Sometimes I feel like I live in a bubble of body positivity. I almost never experience harassment or concern trolling for my weight. I'm pretty sure it's not just because my friends are awesome, but also because the people in my life are generally pretty good and aren't rude. Also, I haven't been down Hindley Street on a Saturday night in a while, haha. 

Tonight I was absolutely stunned to open up Facebook and see that a friend had commented on a post about Tess Holliday. This post was written by someone I don't know - but a quick stalk told me we have 14 mutual friends. Don't you find it totally weird when that happens? Like, how can I not know you if we have 14 mutual friends? During my teenage years I attended a really big church, so I think that's where the connection is. 

She wrote the following:

I'm not convinced with all this 'self love' stuff with Tess Holliday. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely supporting ALL self love and self confidence but a part of 'self love' is 'self respect' and this girl is NOT respecting herself. In a day and age where we know know so much about health and nutrition (let alone being in an obesity epidemic) she's blantently showing no respect to her health or her followers. Not meaning to offend anyone but majority of her supporters and followers are probably overweight themselves and looking for some excuse as to why they don't have to face their own demons. Everyone's beautiful, but not everyone respects themselves and to me...that's not a beautiful trait. If Tess Holliday REALLY wanted to do something positive with her body image, she'd call out to all her followers and start a life transformation! Because the universe/god gave us one body and how disrespectful to let ourselves get to this point! All the supporters are just basically saying to the PLUS PLUS PLUS size model 'oh Tess it's okay your disgustingly obese, but so am I so we can take comfort in each other and tell each other we're perfect the way we are so we don't need to face the harsh reality of nutrition and exercise'.

If you really love yourself, you'd focus on your health. Would you feed your children disgusting foods and let them ignore exercise until they were this obese? I doubt it, because you love them.

Tess does not love herself. She loves that people are saying it's 'okay' to be fat. End of story. 

The friend who commented had written, "I 100% agree. She's not curvy. She's unhealthy and obese. She's the cover girl of what not to love which is an unhealthy attitude to looking after your body. If she loved herself she wouldn't destroy herself."

I was happily wrapped up in bed, the TV on, a nice cold drink nearby and I could hear Jeff in the shower. I was feeling happy, content. 

And then the bubble popped.

I just sat there, phone in hand, stunned. 20 likes. Her post had 20 fucking likes and one share. A chill crept up my spine.

I began to read through the rest of the comments. I was thankful that two people stepped in to offer up their disagreement but her response was not one of contrition.

I think you girls have missed the point a little bit...as I mentioned in my post - I'm all for self love and there is no way that I'm saying one person is better than another. All I'm saying is - self love is more than words and makeup... due to medication and diet (diet being something that could change if YOU wanted) im not talking about just food or even Tess's husband or child. Often that's a classic 'mum' thing to when they start a family...gain weight because they are giving most of their love and energy to their family and therefor they themselves miss out on the 'love'. I don't have a perfect body! And that me not loving myself completely. But I'm am always encouraging healthy diet and lifestyle to my friends and family. Tess isn't. She is obese and date I say much larger than a size 22. Sorry but it's rather disgusting.

 
Another wrote, "To be honest I have A LOT of friends who are over weight making really bad food choices. A vegan cake is still very bad for them, just because it is vegan doesn't mean it is healthy!!"

I'm sure you get the point, but the thread became this space where a group of women spewed forth their disgust over fat bodies and unhealthy lifestyles. As the comments unraveled, I felt like Bridget Jones when she's talking to Rebecca - the social jellyfish. "Being with Rebecca is like swimming in holiday sea full of jellyfish: one minute all lovely, next minute lashed as if from nowhere."

Like seriously, what is wrong with people? 

I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep until I'd had my say, so I stayed up and wrote a carefully worded response - stealing snippets from The Militant Baker and Gabifresh. No one will see it until morning. I wonder what the reaction will be. I don't think I care.

I think sometimes I take it for granted that I've lived and breathed body positivity for a few years now. I've read the canon of BoPo books (Health At Every Size, etc). I've educated myself and surrounded myself with the right people and blogs. So when this kind of vitriol comes out of nowhere, seemingly, and from people that are in my circle, I balk. 

There's nothing worse, nothing more smug, than people on their healthy high horse.

I was at work last week and someone had left a library book on the desk. It was a non-fiction book on smoking and its history. The page I opened up to said, 

Adolf Hitler launched the first anti-smoking campaign in the world. Magazines and newspapers were filled with warnings of the dangers of cigarettes. One magazine asked, "Brother national socialist, do you know that our Fuhrer is against smoking and thinks that every German is responisible to the whole people for all his deeds and emissions and does not have the right to damage his body with drugs?"

So there you have it. Living proof that you can be healthy and have "concerns" for how other people are damaging their bodies, and still be the world's biggest asshole. 

5 tips on how to deal with your wardrobe after a weight gain

I've put on weight. There, I said it. I don't know how much because I don't own scales, but I feel it in my clothes and see it in the photos. Call it winter weight, too much booze or just too-damn-cold-to-want-to-leave-my-couch. It's happened. 

The past few months have been a bit tricky in regards to navigating the wardrobe. I've had to really think about how my weight fluctuations were going to affect the organisation of my clothes, my pretties. I know I'm not the only one who's faced this situation; the terrible stream of emotions that course through your veins when suddenly there's a muffin top when you pull on your favourite skirt or jeans. It can by soul destroying. 

So in response to this situation, I'm going to share the tips that have helped me to get through it unscathed. 

1. SORT

Pull out every item of clothing that no longer fits you and arrange them into piles on your bed: 

Ditch, Donate, Sell, Store. 

Why? Because it's very important not to have your ill-fitting clothes within your sight everyday. If you have to stare daily at a dress you love, but no longer fit in, it will create negative emotions before you even start your day. Ain't nobody got time for that! Even those of us who love our bodies at every size are not immune to bad days, when it's like there's a neon sign in your wardrobe flashing "FAT = FAILURE!"

The clothes in the "Ditch" pile are the ratty tatters that aren't even fit to donate. I'm talking knickers with holes, t-shirts stretched out of shape, singlets with rips that you wouldn't bother to repair, bras with broken underwires. 

The "Donate" pile is for all the clothes that are good, but not clothes that you paid a fortune for and could get back some extra cash if you sold them. For me, these clothes are good, but I originally didn't pay much for in the first place. Think last season's Target/Kmart/BigW stuff. 

The "Sell" pile is for the items that were pricey at the time, but you've fallen out of love with. There is eBay and Facebook buy and sell pages for that stuff. If you can't be bothered taking photos of the items, uploading them and arranging postage, think garage sales and car boot markets. 

The "Store" pile is for clothes that you still adore, but don't fit in. Box them up carefully and find a dry, safe place for them. There's a chance you might fit into them again one day, or maybe you'll simply want to fondle and touch them because you love them so much and there are sentimental memories attached. But you don't want them staring you in the face everyday screaming, "You're too fat for me!"

2. BUY

You need to feel excited about your wardrobe again! You may be fortunate enough to have the money to do this. If not, use the money you make from the "Sell" pile. Start building up a collection of beautiful clothes that fit you. Op shops (Savers!) and ASOS are my main go-to, which aren't pricey.  City Chic is great for a few standout pieces if you don't have the extra cash to splurge. And of course the many, many other plus size online and in-store places.

3. EXPERIMENT

With the changes in my body, I've found that some of the styles I used to love now don't look quite right. As a result, I've been experimenting with other looks, and loving it! I've actually bought two pairs of jeans which I wear regularly. I never used to wear pants unless they were trackies! Sometimes you have to play around with fashion before you feel like you own it. There were a few times when I felt a bit helpless, like I'd lost control, because my body had changed and fashion wasn't working for me like it used to. I suddenly felt uncomfortable in things I used to live in. I had to shift my thinking and try new things. 

4. GET INSPIRED

Find fashion blogs by people who are the same size as you. While I like to find inspiration in all kinds of places and from bloggers of all shapes and styles, it's also important to see your body type represented in ways that you can visualize and connect to instantly. It's also great because sometimes we tend to think that we will never be as happy or as stylish as we were when we were thinner. Seeing smiling fashion bloggers of your size, experimenting and loving their bodies, is enough to pull you out of your despair and see things from a different perspective. 

5. EMPOWER YOURSELF

It's easy to love your body when it remains the same, or you're losing weight. When you are gaining weight, it is an act of absolute courage. You are not alone and there are resources for you. There are body-positive books, blogs and videos at your fingertips. It might be just the thing to get your joy back and unlock some happiness. Check out my Body Love Book Reviews for some ideas. This video might be a good place to start too:

I'm going to finish up with a quote from @honorcurves. She said in a post recently, 

"As they say, never look back, unless it's to check out your own beautiful butt in the mirror. Mine has gained a few inches recently and I love it nonetheless. Love yourself through every fluctuation. Loving myself as much when my pants don't do up as when they do is a huge piece of the learning journey for me. I have to smile at myself and love myself after a gain because that is what will help me to move into healthier ways of living my life and just loving myself as is, always. If I can't see my beauty or I feel like I've failed, that's when I often really put the boots to myself in terms of decision-making. I don't want to put the boots to myself when I've gained some weight. Ever in my life again. I want to accept my gains and losses as natural parts of life. As an ever-fluctuating human body, I am going to have weeks where I eat more and work out less and vice versa. I'm as beautiful on whatever week it is, and wherever my body is in that week."

Thanks for reading x

What You See...

 

Take a minute to read this amazing comic by The Oatmeal. 

You're welcome :)

Dear 16 Year Old Sophie

Dear 16 Year Old Sophie,

One day you will be 29, but you’ll still have a ridiculously loud laugh and a considerable amount of chub (sorry about that), and you’ll be happy. I have a few things I’d like to let you in on.

The next few years living with mum, dad and Shaun will be rough, but things get totally rad when you rent a unit on the beach with Janelle and Ali. You’ll be apprehensive about Ali at first because you don’t really know her, but you’ll become great friends and her influence will change your opinion and views on something that will allow someone pretty special to enter your life (more on that later). The single life with these babes will be fucking amazing.

You won’t ever be skinny, so get over “the fantasy of being thin” and focus on accepting and loving yourself. You will find a form of exercise you like and gradually make steps toward a healthier you. Don’t start smoking when you drink, because you’ll really, really like it and find the habit difficult to shake. Oh, and the words, “When I lose weight I will…” are the most toxic and limiting words you can say to yourself. You can. NOW. And you will…

Ditch the baggy Disney t-shirts and cargo pants combo. I know it’s the 90s, but you can totally rock a crop top. This awkward stage will go for a lot longer than the average teenage girl because of your size, but that will pass and you’ll sure as hell make up for lost time. That pair of vintage Doc Marten T-bars you’re about to buy (because they’re the only shoes in the boutique that fit your size 11 feet) are the first really sound fashion decision you make. Go you! Don’t despair the lack of cute clothes in your size. Things get better. More options become available. Remember those tears you cried in the David Jones changing room? Yeah well – one day you will have a fashion blog because of ALL THE PRETTY THINGS! Astonishing, right? There will come a day when plus size women will find their style and confidence. Be patient.

Don’t take church so seriously – it’s not your part time job. Right now it’s your “everything” and one day you will realize that you threw your life into it because it allowed you to hide from a world you were fearful of. Keep your faith close to your heart, don’t allow yourself to be pressured by church leaders and always, ALWAYS think for yourself. Listen to your instincts. If your favourite band comes to town on a Friday night, skip youth group (STOMP was it?) and go. You’ll regret those lost opportunities.

You will experience a few years of unemployment throughout university that will get you down a bit, but don’t stress – you’ll end up with a few casual jobs to juggle. Mum is right – you’ll ditch the social work and become a teacher, but you’ll also delve into some other arenas too! I have to leave a few surprises…

You think about sex quite a bit and feel guilty because only boys think about sex that much. You’ll soon learn how bullshit that is and that your thoughts are perfectly normal and healthy and one day you will grieve the amount of time you felt guilty for things you believed were sinful (which aren’t).

Keep reading! It’s your lifeblood. Lori Wick is not the only good author, though. And get your hands on some feminist material. It will make you a better person in a hundred different ways.

Don’t stress about romance. Guys at church don’t look at you, so you worry about not being the “Brooke Fraser” type of girl. I know you feel undesirable most of the time, but you’ll unleash your inner bombshell eventually (and kiss lots of boys). And best of all – you will meet THE BOY - a really sweet one, who is obsessed with cars and sticking googly eyes on things and YOU. He’ll be cheeky and fun and make you laugh all the time.

You and your sister Chelsea end up being pretty close (your boyfriends will get along great too). You won’t mind hanging out with Shaun and your relationship with your mum and dad end up being pretty rad.

At this moment, when you walk into a room full of people, you look around and you wonder, with apprehension, if they will like you. Now, when you walk into a room full of people, you wonder if you will like them. Because you are the shit (in a totally healthy, self-love kind of way, haha!).

Love, 29 Year Old Sophie

 

This post was inspired by Rachele's over at The Nearsighted Owl (here)

Aussie Curves: Tee

O.M.G.

I saw this t-shirt on Instagram and knew instantly that I HAD TO HAVE IT. I searched this sucker down on eBay and BAM! bought the darn thing. 

This was the original pic I saw online (source). I thought, "This guy! Is AWESOME!" He doesn't let the chubs (or the bastards) get him down. He knows how to party with the best of them. I really admire that kind of freedom and confidence to declare, "Here I am, taking up space. I know I'm fat and I own that shit! Ain't nobody gotta hold that against me!"

So here's me, getting my hands on a bit of that attitude!

t-shirt: eBay

skirt: ASOS CURVE

boots: THRIFTED

jewellery: LOVISA, DIOR

Sometimes, as victims of a body shaming culture, we can get so down about our bodies and give it way too much thinking space in our minds. Sometimes you just have to stare your chub down and laugh. Remind yourself that your capacity to be kind, smart, generous and thoughtful is so much more valuable than your capacity to be thin. Word. 

Thanks for reading! x

Weight Gain Shame

I recently had some time off work and I had decided to spring clean my wardrobe, which was so full and tightly packed that spare space and coat hangers were becoming a precious commodity. I was really excited to do some serious sorting, make some room and hopefully some money by selling some items and donating to my favourite thrift shops. 

What I hadn't anticipated was how it would unleash a dragon of despair and lunge me into a place of shame and disappointment. I came across numerous items that I had loved at some point and had to put aside because they didn't fit me anymore.

Sorting through my wardrobe ended up having a surprising outcome for me. Since being a part of the body positive community and monitoring the media I expose myself to, I have rarely had negative thoughts and feelings about my body. However, going through my wardrobe was a bad day. The shame of putting on weight is terrible in our culture of rigid beauty standards. As I added to the "save for a thinner day" pile, I could feel the colour creeping into my cheeks even though I was alone in the room.

I realised that maybe shame was an odd emotion to feel about this. The very definition of shame is to feel humiliation as a result of doing the wrong thing. It speaks of morality. And it made me wonder - when did thinness become a virtue? Kate Moss said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" as though being skinny is the ultimate prize for depriving oneself.

Have you noticed that health has gone from being a personal decision to a moral obligation, like not jumping the queue or choosing not to drink and drive. Everytime I "eat clean" or do something for my fitness, I feel a terrible urge to Instagram it or Facebook it, to tell the world about my achievement: "I'm not a bad fatty! I'm a good fatty!" I'm not saying this is always the case though - it's okay to be proud of an achievement, like finishing a marathon that you've been training for. But in a lot of cases, the motivation behind "gym selfies" and the sneaker shot is to subtly let others know that you're not a fat, shameful burden on society.

While I've been in the process of writing this post, a good friend sent me the link to an article called Rise of the Gym Selfies by Lou Heinrich.

"When we take a photo of ourselves and post it on social media, we are trying to communicate a specific message," says Kellie Hodder, a psychologist at Bodymatters Australasia, an eating disorders clinic.
"In the case of gym selfies, we are attempting to convey perhaps that we are hardworking. The pursuit of health is seen as something to be revered in society. Fitness and health have moral meanings attached. People who pursue health and fitness are viewed as being disciplined, motivated, controlled and valued members of society.'
A smug gym selfie doubles as a visual brag then, declaring with false nonchalance, "I'm better than you." Unhealthy people are perceived as lazy and undisciplined, so by posting a photo at the gym we are sharing our moral worth.

I think she's right, and I think it explains why I sometimes feel ashamed about my weight - because it has "moral meanings attached". 

But here's the thing: health, actually, isn't a moral issue. You can be fat and good-hearted. And you can be fat and healthy. And you can be thin and an asshole. And you can be thin and lovely. And you can be a fat dickhead.

So if you're anything like me, and you put on some winter weight....chill. Forgive yourself. Weight fluctuations are a part of life. And in the words of Heinrich, "a newsfeed without duck faces or Lorna Jane would be a relief...Embrace your individual beauty and if you want, get healthy, but don't post a photo about it."

Unless your boyf unloads a box of mandarins all over you. Coz that's funny ;)

Have You Found Your Style?

As plus size women, do we really have the luxury of finding our style? Or is it already chosen for us in the somewhat limited options available?

Over the past few years, I've really felt like I've had plenty of choices in regards to clothes. I check out ASOS and City Chic regularly and always find more that I can afford. My saved folder on ASOS is always plentiful and I spend much more money on clothes than I really should. I adore my wardrobe and I love piecing together outfits.

After I had my nails done yesterday, I did something I rarely do these days: I wandered into a few mainstream retail clothing stores. There was nothing to fit me in these stores and I found it painfully triggering. It made me feel like something was wrong with me. In my mind, the shop assistants were giving me "slimming glances" and wondering what I was doing in there. I perused the racks, feeling bitter disappointment to be reminded of how easy it is for women to find clothes in smaller sizes. There are items of clothing on my wishlist that just aren't available in plus sizes. For example, I've been after a tailored cream wool coat this winter. I can't find one in my size. I would love a houndstooth trench. I can't find one in my size.

I know I should be grateful that the plus size fashion industry has come a long way, but I have to admit that sometimes I still feel that unless you are into peplums, skater dresses and blazers - well, good luck to you. I love a pencil skirt with a peplum as much as the next gal, but I've always been a bit weird and quirky in my tastes and sometimes I struggle with options. I would probably define my favourite look as boho. Try finding these outfits in plus sizes!

(Source)

(Source)

                                                                            (Source)

I've actually bought a few similar pieces from ASOS standard sizes (size 18) but ASOS Curve are a bit more limited. I haven't had much luck with other plus size brands either.

I'm really looking forward to the day when plus size brands give us more options so that we can fine tune our styles a little more. Because I can tell you what - I've got enough peplums and blazers to last a lifetime!

Don't Just "Get Over It"

“I believe that the movement to use fatshion to forcefully insert ourselves into mainstream culture happens in three stages: being seen, standing out and getting loud.” – Lesley Kinzel

A few months ago, a friend of mine had a bit of a go at me about my stance on body positivity and body shaming (mind you, this friend has enjoyed not only thin privilege her entire life, but also a beauty that has placed her at a huge advantage in the world). Exasperated, she said something along the lines of, “Who cares? No one cares about your body shape, so just get over it”.

I was pretty gutted.

I’ve been in something of a quandary since those words. I’ve questioned my blog and I’ve been pretty quiet on Instagram. Maybe no one really does care. Maybe others think my views are silly and trivial. Maybe the solution to fat phobia, body shaming and narrow cultural beauty standards is just to “not think about it”, to let it go, stop talking about it and quit the discourse. To just have an attitude of “she’ll be right, mate”, or “first world problems” and forget about it.

Um, how about no?

Having experienced poor body image firsthand, seeing it everyday at school in my students and even in my friends and family, I see how body loathing can cripple the confidence and self worth of women and girls.

Today I watched the dismay on a friend’s face as she told me about her already-thin nine-year-old niece being happy over losing weight and “getting skinnier”.

Today another friend (who gets mistaken for a supermodel) was scared to go to a party where she knew the other girls would be skinnier than she.

This is why, when my friend says to me “no one cares” I wonder what world she’s living in. Because in my world, I have these reminders every day that women suffer under our culture’s narrow beauty standards, where fat is terrifying and even thin women fear their bodies because of other thinner women and because being fat is an ever looming threat. No one is immune to THE FAT! Haha. 

That’s why I think it’s so important to bring these issues out into the light and not be afraid to be fierce. Tess Munster posts a photo of herself in a bikini on Instagram and people freak out. It makes people uncomfortable, it attracts haters and concern trolling. I think it’s time to begin to ask ourselves why people react so strongly to these images. How is Tess Munster in a bikini taking away from your quality of life? That’s right. IT DOESN’T.

“The bodies we do not value, we fear” – Lesley Kinzel. Our culture does not value fat bodies, and so we fear them. Fear or jealousy is at the heart of hatred. Every time.

Thinness is not a virtue. It doesn’t make you a better person. And yet all my life I truly believed that I was inferior to anyone slimmer than me. 

Why, as a child, did I believe that? Why did I continue to believe that as a teenager, and even into my early twenties?

As women, our worth is very much linked to our appearance, and that is a crippling notion. One day, I might have a daughter who will have to navigate these cultural norms for herself, and I don’t want her to be discouraged and broken because of them. I don’t want her to see diet ads that say, “Lose weight now and get your life back”. I want her to know that being plus size doesn’t need to take away from your quality of life, your beauty and your worth. I don’t want her look upon plus size bodies with fear, but with acceptance. 

How can that happen if I just “get over it” and don’t talk about it?

Lesley Kinzel said in her book Two Whole Cakes, “We are told that being seen is the right of those who diet and exercise, who otherwise put effort into meeting the ideal, surgically if necessary, even if the ideal can never be met. How often have you heard someone say of a non-slender woman in a too-tight skirt or a too-revealing blouse, ‘No one wants to see that’? Her insistence on being seen is practically an assault…Standing out is an act of bravado.”

If you are a plus size blogger, don’t underestimate the power you have had in my life, and in the world. When we wear bikinis, bodycon, stripes and miniskirts, it’s resistance and fighting.

The other day I wore a crop top that said “F*CK FLATTERING”. I wore it to TGIF for Thursday night drinks. Before I even got to the bar, I sat in the car for about ten minutes TERRIFIED to get out. No one could have known that making that clothing choice was one of the bravest things I’ve ever done. I eventually took a deep breath and stepped out of the car. I kept my head down for the entire walk to the bar! My friends loved it and once I’d had a few drinks, I felt like I’d painted my face blue and could leap around the bar yelling “FREEDOM!” hahaha! It was powerful because it took courage.

So what am I trying to say?

“In reality, different bodies look, move, and function in different ways and difference itself ought not to be a source of shame. Yet cultural beauty standards seem hell-bent on erasing the unique quirks of these individual differences in favor of one body, one face, one skin tone, one ideal. One single point of comparison for us all” (Kinzel)

I wont accept that. I have no intention of setting up a crate and microphone in the mall and giving lectures, or being all like “hey, lets talk about beauty standards” with my friends. But what I am going to do is wear what I want without apology, encourage friends who verbalise their insecurities, keep writing a body positive blog and call out body shaming when I see it.

I’m sure as hell not going to just “get over it”.

My High School Formal Dress

Shopping for a formal dress as a size 24 teenager is still a memory I'd sooner forget. 

Don't get me wrong, Dawn (my mum) was super supportive about it. She knew it was going to be hard to find something, so she took charge and we powered through our shopping day. Whenever I started to feel disheartened, she boldly told me not to worry. 

Dawn took me to every plus size store in Adelaide. 

We didn't find anything. 

Do you know what the biggest problem was? I refused to wear a sleeveless dress. Try finding a sleeveless formal dress! Boleros/shrugs weren't a common item back then, either. I tried on some frocks that weren't too bad, but they were sleeveless. 

In the end, I found a black top in David Jones that had black sheer sleeves. Then Dawn had a long red satin skirt made for me, which was actually quite luxurious with it's sheer black overlay. 

I didn't feel too shabby. My friends told me I looked great. I felt okay and was accepted by my classmates. I certainly didn't feel like the belle of the ball, but I didn't feel like I stood out either. 

Looking back at the photos, I realize how "mother of the bride" my outfit was. I find it difficult not to feel sad about it. I feel sad that I felt like I had to cover my fat body. I feel sad that I was so ashamed of my arms. I feel sad that "the formal dress experience" was so difficult and basically average for me. But I also feel a great deal of love and appreciation for my mum, who did her best to make the experience as good as it could be. I feel thankful that my friends and classmates were absolutely lovely to me.

I feel happy that plus size fashion has come such a long way. I recently read The Curvy Fashionista's blog post about plus size prom dress ideas and I felt such enormous relief that teenage plus size girls needn't worry anymore. Thank God for online shopping! 

It might sound silly, but finding the perfect formal dress is so important in a girl's life. It's a rite of passage and affirmation of your femininity and womanhood. In a culture where fatness is perceived as anti-feminine, not being able to find a beautiful formal dress as a fat teenager just confirmed to me the belief that I wasn't the "woman" I should have been. As a result of this, I spent many of my teenage years in "boyish" clothes. I lived in t-shirts and cargo pants. I felt more comfortable this way because I felt unfeminine. My weight had a big part to play in those feelings. 

These feelings didn't change overnight, but as brands like City Chic and Urbane started to emerge, I started to feel more included in the fashion industry. I started to experiment with make-up and take pride in my appearance. In the years since high school I have learned that fat women can be sexy and desirable - a realization that has continued to prove dead right in the following years. 

Looking back at this photo makes realize that I really don't feel like my weight takes away from my quality of life or happiness in any way anymore. And I think that's worth celebrating!

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My Mad Fat Diary

When this DVD arrived in my letterbox, one quick episode before I mark those essays turned into a up 'til two o'clock in the morning, balling my eyes out type scenario.

The series is about 16 year old (and 16 stone) Rae Earl, played by the wonderful Sharon Rooney, whose just been released from a stay at a mental institution for self-harm and attempted suicide (her friends think she just spent some time in France). Set in Stamford, Lincolnshire (where my mum grew up!), Rae lives with her eccentric mother and reconnects with her childhood bestie Chloe, thrusting her into a new group of friends. Rae still has weekly visits with her therapist who insists she keep a diary, hence the title. 

We are let entirely into Rae's head. She is the narrator and various film techniques are used to enhance our understanding of her, including illustrations over the camera shots, fantasies and flashbacks. 

The show is set in the 90s, so be prepared for the musical genius of Oasis, Blur and The Cure to feature heavily (no complaints here).

I love British comedy in general, and I'd say this show is a cross between The Inbetweeners and Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging, so if you liked the humour in those, you'll enjoy this show. Rae thinks about sex A LOT and none of that is censored or held back (it is her diary, after all). But unlike The Inbetweeners, there's a good dose of heart and honesty to go with the crude comedy.

I suppose we're getting to the part of the review where I write that I loved it because I connected and related to Rae Earl because I was a fat teenager once, too. As true as that might be, I really think anyone can watch and love this show. I believe teenagers, any kind of teenager, would be totally blown away by this, especially since it isn't patronizing to the teenage experience.  

It's such a delight to see how Rae becomes a part of this group of friends. As they fall in love with her, so do we. Despite her problems, we are won over by her great taste in music, sense of humour and quirkiness. As the audience, we don't pity Rae; we root for her. 

Although Rae has a tonne of problems, the "normality" of her thoughts is refreshing. She fantasizes about being thin (a poignant part of the series is when she imagines herself unzipping her skin and removing a fat suit to reveal a thin person inside). She's horny and she fancies cute boys and just wants to fit in. But her thoughts are also hilarious. Of her gorgeous docter, "he's the expert moistener of lady gardens". When she first meets Archie, "I'd shag him until there was nothing left", and the follow up in her diary: "I've decided. There are three ways Archie is going to go out with me. One: If he's secretly got a thing for big women like Lenny Henry has for Dawn French. Two: Apocalyptic catastrophe takes out all the other women on the earth and therefore my humps become a precious commodity. Three: I feed him biscuits until he's fat too."

Rae deals with her fair share of humiliation, some of which are things all fat girls will relate to, like being invited to your best friend's pool party and wondering what the hell you're going to wear in the pool. Being constantly harassed and called "Jabba" by the local bullies, coming out of the toilet cubicle at a restaurant and realising you have a "jam stain" on you skirt. And then other common struggles for fat girls (or any girl): living in the shadow of a pretty and thin best friend, growing up in a single parent home, falling in love with boys that you perceive to be "out of your league" because of your size.

Despite these struggles, Rae has some pretty awesome experiences too, and the final episode doesn't disappoint as it heads towards one of the most beautiful and genuine love scenes I've ever seen. You'll need a tissue handy, and I'd be surprised if you didn't rewind it to watch it again, and then dig out your Oasis albums and listen to Champagne Supernova on repeat for the next two hours.  

I kid you not - this show will be in my heart forever.

 

Body Loving Book Review #3: FAT!SO?

FAT!SO? by Marilyn Wann

When I first got this book in the mail and saw the cover, I was a bit disappointed. It kind of has that Year 9 English assignment "Design a new front cover for your novel" kind of look, ha. But it's really not like that on the inside! The pages are interactive with fun pictures, charts, testimonials, headings and subheadings, paper dolls, quizzes, quotes and statistics. FAT?SO? started as a magazine, and it really has retained that look. 

Wann, an American author and activist in the Fat Acceptance movement, wrote this book in the late 90s (which does mean some of the links no longer work). From what I understand, it's one of the first of its kind and is considered a bit of a "bible" for those who are a part of the Fat Acceptance movement or who just believe fat people have the right to exist with the same respect and rights as anyone else.

Wann's approach is humourous, lighthearted and fun. This would be the first book I would direct people to read if they were on their body acceptance journey, because it covers all the basics. It's well researched, logical, heartfelt and joyous. I read it with a lead pencil as my bookmark and would underline things all the time. 

A favourite page in the book is a list of comebacks for when people comment on your weight. 

Occasionally, people mistakenly assume that I'm pregnant, because of my tummy. I'm dying to say, "Nope, I'm not pregnant - but hell, the night is young!"

The book looks closely at health and what medical journals and professionals have to say (some of the discoveries are surprising), fat myths, body confidence, prejudice, bullying, childhood experiences, BMI, shopping, and love/sex/relationships, to name a few topics. Her personal trainer writes a short piece in there, and Wann herself writes a little on principles of good health.

This is the kind of book that doesn't have to be read in one sitting. I've been reading this book off and on for months, so in that regard, it is also like a magazine in that you can pick it up and open it at any spot. It's divided up into four parts that are entitled "Anatomy Lessons" - The Butt, The Belly, The Chin and The Upper Arm. Wann encourages the acceptance of the F-word (fat) so that people cannot use it against you. There is also a timeline of prescription diet drugs for the last one hundred years and their affects. Wann also writes about childhood obesity and how to educate teachers about fat prejudice (I've got that bit underlined for my own practice). There's also a few poems which I loved.

I recommend this book for anyone, fat or thin, who wants to take a closer look at body image and health and who might need some fine-tuning of their self-esteem (who doesn't?). I'm a better, more knowledgeable person having read this book and I definitely feel more empowered.

If I Had A Magic Wand...

Headscarf: Oh Honey Hush (Etsy)

In response to blogging about being body positive regardless of size, a friend of mine asked me rather skeptically, "Don't tell me that if you had a magic wand, you wouldn't make yourself skinny." I laughed nervously. I didn't really know what to say. Would I make myself skinny? 

Truth be told, I've spent a lot of my life dreaming about that wand. Kate Harding of Shapely Prose calls it The Fantasy Of Being Thin.

From my high school years, right up to my mid twenties, these thoughts consumed me:

1. When I'm thin, I'll be able to get a boyfriend and be married one day
2. When I'm thin, I'll be confident
3. When I'm thin, I'll be able to shop at any women's clothing store I want
4. When I'm thin, I'll feel sexy
5. When I'm thin, I'll feel useful and lead a more fulfilling life
6. When I'm thin, there will be no stopping me
7. When I'm thin, people will have respect for me and include me more; I'll have a voice
8. When I'm thin, I'll love myself and be happy with who I am

 Things I've learned while being fat:

1. I don't need to be thin to be loved by a man. I learned there were men out there who loved plus size bodies the same way that other men liked redheads or long legs. But I also learned that a man could love me in spite of my body, and find me sexy because of who I am as a person and how I carry myself.
2. I don't need to be thin to be confident. Confidence doesn't come from being thin; it comes from believing in yourself.
3. I don't need to be thin to dress the way I want, and there are enough plus size options out there to keep a thrilling and exciting wardrobe worth drooling over.
4. I don't need to be thin to be sexy. Curvy bodies are womanly, voluptuous, soft, strong and arousing! 
5. I don't need to be thin to feel useful and fulfilled. Last year I single-handedly organised my ten year high school reunion, which was a huge success. I have completed uni and am now in my dream job - Secondary Education! I'm in a fulfilling relationship. I have some wonderful friends and a supportive family. I am independent.
6. I don't need to be thin to do what I want. I've worn a bikini, started a second job as a freelance DJ, hit the town every Saturday for two years where I snogged lots of hot boys and danced the night away! I've gone sleeveless, worn mini skirts, gone on roller-coasters, initiated conversations with new people and thrown myself into the dating scene. I started a blog!
7. I don't need to be thin to gain people's respect. People respect you when you show integrity, kindness and good heartedness. Most people are generally good and will warm up to you when you take initiative to be friendly.
8. I don't need to be thin to love myself. When you choose to focus on the positive things and honor your body for what it has done for you rather than its flaws, it is possible to make peace with your body and even begin to love it. I also realised that I actually like who I am as a person. I'm not perfect, but I do value myself.

I have become the person I had always fantasized about being! Being thin wasn't the solution to becoming the kind of person that I wanted to be.

So to answer the question, if I had a magic wand, would I use it to become skinny? 

Honestly?

I'd probably wish to be a size 14 so I could fit into the clothes at Dangerfield, but still have some kick-ass curves!


But at the end of the day, that wand simply doesn't exist, and it never will. And I will never get back those years that I wasted lamenting over the Fantasy Of Being Thin. What I have now is the body that I'm in.