Body Loving Book Review #4: Fat Sex

Fat Sex, by Rebecca Jane Weinstein

Let me start by telling you what this book isn't. It's not actually about sex. It's not an erotic book about sex positions and hot tips on how to please your partner. That being said, it is about sexuality and relationships. The blurb reads,

If there are two subjects that are universally fascinating and rife with controversy, they are sex and fat. Though our culture is obsessed with both, the two commingling are sometimes seen as offensive, obscene, or even grotesque. Fat people are not seen as sexual beings. Of course, this perception is far from accurate.

Weinstein's goal is to destroy this perception by sharing true stories of plus size women and men in their relationships. In her prologue, she reveals the wisdom bestowed upon her chubby nine-year-old self by her grandmother, "No man will ever love you," and shares how most fat people face those same assumptions and criticisms. We are brainwashed to believe this - and yet there is much evidence to the contrary. This book is about exposing some of that evidence.

Each chapter tells someone's story. The variety of experiences is fascinating, ranging from Delilah - a fat, female porn star, to Danny - a thin, heterosexual "chubby chaser". And of course, everything in between. If you are fat, you will find your "story" in there somewhere, which is what I loved about it. There were parts of every story that I could relate to in some way.

Within each chapter, Weinstein expertly weaves in health studies, surveys, research and findings from medical journals that confront a lot of the stereotypes and assumptions that are made about fat people and health. It all comes together in a professional, confronting and informative read that will leave the reader thinking about their own mindsets and the world we live in. It gives the strong sense that being fat doesn't have to limit you from a great sex life and from being in a meaningful relationship, without being sexually explicit. It does reveal a lot of the bigotry out there towards fat people, which is upsetting at times, but hope can be found in each story. Basically, it chronicles the fat experience and portrays a lot of the struggles fat people face.

A story I found interesting was about Scott, a fat admirer or "chubby chaser". Scott has had a lot of experience with big women and had some interesting observations.

Scott finds that overweight women who were once thin are the most self-conscious, the most insecure, and the most ashamed. He says, "Those are the kinds of women who will only have sex in the dark. The longer a woman has been large, the more likely she has come to accept herself, and the more fun she is in bed. Large women are much more adventurous." (Page 52)

From a "diet-talk" perspective, I have definitely found that the women who complain about their weight the most, who seem most ashamed of how their body has changed, and try new "diets" constantly, are those who are new to being fat. Interesting that Scott noticed that as well. Another point Scott made that I found really important was about the dilemma that guys who like "fat chicks" face.

Scott specifically refers to it as a need to be perceived as "manly" by other men. When he was young and first started dating women, he says he really felt the pressure to be with women of whom his friends would approve. "I was made to feel ashamed of my preferences." Such idealized preferences are, or course, arbitrary, or at least reflective of idiosyncratic cultural norms. They didn't reflect the actual preferences of his friends, either. Nevertheless, the manliest of men are able to get the biggest prize, that being the smallest woman. (Page 48)

As a high school teacher I see the pressure for teenage boys to appear "manly", and they try to achieve this in, what seems to me, the silliest ways! And yes - the importance of the acquirement of the "smallest" woman is something I have seen with my own eyes.

Later in the book, Desmond, another fat admirer expands on this idea further.

Desmond estimates that about four-fifths of FAs are in the closet. He thinks that's a tragedy. He blames society. "You could say, well, those people are weak, they can't deal with peer pressure, they haven't socialized properly. There are reasons for that. Because they have heard enough fat people being put down, in their schools and even in their own families, that they don't dare go there. They don't want to appear to be so weird that they would be attracted to a characteristic that everyone else is dumping on. So, maybe they are weak." (Page 78)

I think in our society, liking big bodies can be demonized as a fetish, and I think in some extremes it is. But then, some women prefer tall men to short men. Some men prefer red heads to blondes. And some men prefer larger bodies to thin ones. Weinstein, of course, discusses this as well.

This is perhaps where the issue of fetish comes up, a conflict for some fat women...As a fat person liked by a FA, is one the object of a fetish - which can feel a bit unseemly - or simply a preference? What is the difference between the two anyhow? Well, that opens a can of worms. (Page 84)

This is discussed further at some length, though I won't go into that now. As a women who is loved for who I am in spite of my body, and not because of it, this topic was of interest to me. The idea of being a fetish doesn't sit well with me, but of course I want someone who feels sexual attraction to me. A man doesn't need to have a fetish to do that, which I've learned. And of course, if you don't like being fat, then being found desirable for the thing you hate most about yourself presents all sorts of inner conflict (page 207).

Another topic that interested me was the 16-year lesbian relationship between Allison and her partner. They were both fat when they started dating, but Allison's partner was diagnosed with diabetes and started losing weight. Allison found it disconcerting that all of a sudden she was a lot larger than her partner.

This new turn of events has led Allison to consider doing something she has never considered before: dieting. While she feels good about herself as a "strong fat woman", she now thinks maybe she would feel better thinner. A contradiction certainly. "I like myself just the way I am, but would I like myself even more if I were small?" That is probably not an altogether uncommon perception. (Page 123)

As a part of the "body acceptance" movement and community, I have seen this thought process arise lots of time, and I've often still been tempted to go on a "diet". Maybe I'll have protein shakes for dinner every night this week. Many women still get plagued by thoughts and dreams of weight loss, even though they accept themselves. Weinstein discusses this.

Fat (or size) acceptance is often greatly misunderstood. People who adopt this ideology do not do so because they love being fat. Fat acceptance advocates are not "pro-fat" in the sense that they want people to be fat. From a size acceptance perspective, fat is not good, but is is also not bad. It is a fact of life for a large number of large people. Many miss the critical genesis: most in the fat acceptance movement have spent the majority of their lives with conventional attitudes toward weight, and only came to fat acceptance when they realised conventional ideas and practices were doing more physical and emotional harm than good. It is often misconstrued that fat acceptance advocates promote the stereotypes of fat people - laziness and gluttony - or worse, "giving up". That is simply not the case. (Page 124)

Weinstein follows this up by asking why, if being healthy is more important than being thin, do we still feel such pressure to lose weight? Fear of prejudice perhaps, or your "thinner" partner abandoning you for someone more svelte are just a few of the reasons. The insecurities of the fat run deep, she writes (page 126).

Another woman in the book, Patricia, had a view on prejudice that I just loved. She believes that people who have experienced prejudice are more sensitive and thoughtful and that compassion and attentiveness play an essential role in sexual prowess.

Patricia also thinks that dealing with prejudice may lead to a bit of a rebellious streak, which may translate into more experimentation and the willingness to indulge. She sees a connection between eating, enjoying eating, and a desire for pleasure. It's about appreciating sensations - the sensation of taste, touch, smell, sound, and all the other components that make food pleasurable - that make sex pleasurable. It is a brave leap to give up repression and forgive oneself that choice (Page 228).

Weinstein then goes on to explain the conflict between the inherent drive for pleasure and the social ideal of morality. Agree or disagree as you see fit.

Another part I loved was the story of fat Cathy's blind date with Paul, who had not been told she would be fat. "Size is one of those things our culture expects people to warn about," (Page 139). Ever joined a dating website? Remember having to put down your body type? I do!

Overall, I found this book informative and fascinating. I definitely found myself identifying with a specific story (which I didn't discuss in this review) and it was quite astounding to realise that there are very few unique life journeys. There are always people facing the same struggles as you, in the world somewhere. There was a great deal of comfort in that for me.